"A drink, for the horror that I'm in.
For the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that I've been."
This post would have been so much cooler if I had it done tomorrow at the stroke of midnight (because I'm a dork like that), but I would most probably be asleep by the time it were midnight so...gyea.
2006 has been nothing but amazing for me. It was the year that I got stressed out/depressed/sick the most, but ironically, it was also the year that I learnt the most about myself.
This year was a turning point in the way I think and the way I am going to live my life from now on.
I guess that the past few years I've not been living my life to the fullest. I was also super pessimistic and irritable. As compared to some other more angsty teens, I was pretty mild, but I still hate how it was.
I put the weight of the world on my shoulders and got so heated up in debates that I'd end up crying. That was partly the reason why I have this 'no-no' policy to joining a debate team.
I also got depressed very easily. Thankfully I didn't do any stupid stuff, but now that I think about it, there was really nothing worth getting depressed about. Life is good and I've got so many people around who love and care for me...so how bad could it be?
Right now, after the holidays, which I've used to reflect on myself, I am a brand new person.
Some people might not notice it yet, but give me time to change :]
I realised that nowadays, I am so much more happy and my nightly prayers are not for God to punish XX or to put her/him in his place, but for everyone to be happy as well and for their dreams to be fulfilled. Oh, and this has never been left out, for MCR to come to Singapore. ROFL.
My life seems so much brighter and full of possibilities. I don't get angry with stuff I can never change anymore and I am so much more eager to start learning new things in school so that I could eventually live out my dreams.
Oh, I really think I should thank everyone who has made my year so wonderful. To all my friends, I love you guys sooooo much!!! I know that sometimes I might be a bit sarcastic and sharp, but it's all for the good of you guys. I'm so sorry if I had made you guys hurt in any way...I really, really didn't mean it. You all mean the world to me and thank you for helping me out of the dark times!!! We better keep in contact okay? Mwah!
Mmkay, now for my new year resolutions...honestly, I never really felt the need for them all my life, but I really think that 2006 should be the year I start.
1) Swear less.
2) Slack less.
3) Continue to be straight edge.
4) Be more optimistic.
5) Be completely true to myself.
6) Be brutally honest to what I have to change in myself.
7) Keep myself in check from time to time.
8) Be less critical and more accepting.
Yep. That's it. I hope everyone keeps to their resolutions as I would (hope to) keep mine.
That's all from me in this wonderful year. I wish everyone well and have a happy new year!
Mwah!
"I know a thing about contrition,
because I've got enough to spare."
A brand new blog URL.
Surprised?
I can just imagine you going 'Why, Melissa? You've got too much time on your hands?'
Nope.
The thing is, when I was doing some self reflection last night, a pang of guilt struck me. It made me question if I was being a hypocrite and just another angsty teenager. Of course, the irony of it all lies in that I was so blatently condemning the uselessness of teen angst when I myself was blogging as a very fired up, pissed off (and sometimes vulgar) young adult.
The reason I started that blog was actually a devious avenue to boost my own ego. Yes. It was also due to my constant urge to change people and the way they think. Looking back, I've realised all the posts had an angry/sarcastic tone. Why? Well, basically I looked at the blog as a way to vent my anger and annoyance. When I was happy, I didn't give two hoots to blog because, well, the sensationalism of an excited 16 year old was just as much as staring at a brick wall. But when I was angry, I could go on and on about the matter, while throwing in some dramatic (and extremely frivolous) phrases here and there. Let's face it, people are more interested in controversy than contentment.
I was sinking into a vicious cycle of constant criticism of other people. All I did was point out and nitpick on the bad points in others but ignored the bad points IN MYSELF.
I have asked myself why I am so easily annoyed at bad behaviour. I owe all of it to my continuous urge to change the world into a better place. While that idea might reek of pomposity, I actually thought that I could chide people into changing.
I was wrong.
Very wrong.
The thing is, people NEVER change when you ask them to. I know, because I am like that myself. Being the stubborn, narcissistic person I am, when orders are shoved into my face and I am forced to be someone I don't want to, I simply refuse to budge. I might tolerate and do the task, but deep inside, I know very well that I did it out of sheer obligation.
I believe everyone is the same. People change only when THEY THEMSELVES WANT TO.
I was sick of being preachy and having my advice fall on deaf ears. I used to like to think I was doing a favour for the person but I have since realised my inability to do so. The only person I could ever change is myself. No one else.
I am fallible and I make mistakes. Maybe even more mistakes than those people whom I have denounced.
Right now, with the help of my rumination and possibly divine intervention, I am starting afresh. I am going to banish the demons in my mind. They have made me into someone who is constantly at war with myself and who gets persistent nightmares due to negative vibes. So, what better way to begin than to start a new blog?
Before I end my long sob story (LOL), I would like to apologise to anyone who had felt the brunt of my immature, callous remarks and came across my shameless use of certain explicitives. It really wasn't my intention to be so vulgar. It does not give any respect to both the readers and myself. It made me into any other foul-mouthed hooligan you'd find on the streets. So I'm cutting down (and hopefully off) my use of them. I am urging anyone else who uses them casually to refrain from using them as well. You deserve all the respect you get, so why make people lose their reverence of you just because of one or two vulgarities?
Ah, here I go, preaching again. ROTFL.
This post has been long enough. I thank you for the time you took out to read it. You can carry on with your life now :]
P.S. I would love to thank My Chemical Romance for being my 'background music' when I was reflecting. And also for making me optimistic when I got emotional.