These few weeks I've been feeling happy. Feeling all optimistic and 'ain't no stopping me now'.
Not like that's a bad thing. I mean, it really did help me to feel better and everything.
But I stopped thinking.
I had an 'emo' (retarded term, but whatever) relapse yesterday when I was online.
It hit me like an oncoming train.
I feel like such a douchebag for getting 'emo' cuz there really isn't much to wallow in self pity about, but my old mindset flooded my mind again. Plus, my throbbing headache didn't help much.
When I went offline, I went to take a panadol for my head.
Then I had all those morbid desires coming back again.
I used to (and sometimes still do) have a sadistic edge.
It's pretty scary, really. I think I've got some split personality disorder or something. Eeeep.
I've wanted to take anti depressants (I once asked my mom if I should prescribe them). I've wanted to get so drunk that I forget everything. I've wanted to cut myself. I've wanted to do everything other douches like me think of doing.
The reason why I went sXe was also because I have what I call M.A.D. (Morbidly Addictive Disorder). You see, when I get hooked on something, I just can't get off it. And most of the time, these things I get hooked on are self destructive. Yeah, this is me.
Thankfully for me, I've never done anything much to harm myself. I've never cut myself, gotten high on drugs or alcohol. I really thank God and MCR for that. If it weren't for both, I'd probably be a total wreck.
If you're wondering what's up with all this 'self pitying narcissism', I think it's the influence of MCR (particularly The Black Parade) on me.
Gerard mentioned that for writing the album, he had to dig up all his insides (not literally) and place them on an operating table.
I do that all the time and I can really find out how ugly (again, not literally) some parts of me are.
All my evil thoughts, unfair judgements, etc.
Some people see it as 'not embracing who you are', but if you don't criticise yourself and try to correct all your bad points, what's there to embrace?
With that, I shall end this post.
Oh, if you've got the time, go catch MCR's new video.
It's EPIC.
MWAH!